Monday, November 17, 2008

I constantly write posts, and then don't actually post them. I am sure this goes back to the days of doing my homework and then never turning it in. Analyze that one. I get to the last line, and decide it isn't profound enough for what Emmi is about to go through. Or I get too wordy, and decide I am giving it all too much weight. I try to handle the surgeries and procedures and therapies with no emotion. I do my best to remove myself from the situation. There is no thought about how I will feel about it all or even how Emmi will feel about it all. If I stop to think about it, I will, no doubt, get overwhelmed. So I remain on a clinical level with it all. It is what I have to do. I long ago quit thinking about what this will do to us emotionally. The consequence of this behavior is that when things do calm down, the emotions catch up with me. One minute I am fine, and the next it slams into me. I can feel it physically, and I can't be weighed down when I need to be in action. There is so much to be done now.

Emmi's implant situation worsens by the day. She looses comprehension almost everytime I test her. New sounds disturb her constantly. I turn it down almost everyday. Two weeks ago we were at 75% on the left side. Today, we are closer to 60%. It is only days until the CT scan. I am looking for answers. How? Why? When? Really just the when. When will they take this decrepit implant out, and pop a brand spankin' new one in? It should be weeks, if everything moves smoothly. I never count on anything to move smoothly. I give it more like two months. Which will be torture for Emmi with the ever worsening implant.

While we wait for Emmi's surgery, Emmi will be put through a battery of other tests. Evaluations over the past few weeks have revealed that I can no longer put off the soft palate issues. I hoped that Emmi would get away without surgery for this one. However, if there is ever a hope of Emmi truly speaking or drinking from a cup or eating easily, then we have to move forward with the surgery. The implant thing? That doesn't scare me. I am fine with it. This surgery? It scares the hell out of me. I have resisted it as long as I can. It will be horrendous. I will have to watch her suffer, and she will not know why I am doing this to her. It should be my job to protect her, and instead I get to be the one to sign off on something that will put her through hell before it helps.


Linda said...

I'm so sorry that this is happening. I, too, had hoped there would be a way around this, for the sakes of both my granddaughter and my daughter. I'll do whatever I can, of course, which is the reason that I've been gradually cutting back on work duties. I know that nothing I can do or say will ease your worries, but my comfort when I thought I couldn't stand something that was going to happen was always to remind myself that others endured it and I could, too. Others have endured what Emmi and you will, and you will, too. I think, though, that Emmi will think of you as her comfort and not her torturer.

Tina said...

Hugs Tricia.

Anonymous said...

I think it's almost as hard to publish a comment as it is to write a post like this one. What can we say? I feel for you, and for Emmi, and think that it just sucks that she can't be cut a break. I have the same way of dealing with Ethan's procedures; I just attend to things as pathologies and not as emotional experiences. If I change that strategy then I'll fall apart and then I'm not able to advocate for him or be his rock through it all. Emmi knows you've got her back though and I agree with your mom that she's not going to see you as the one to blame. You'll be the one who brings her comfort through it all. Hugs to you guys!